A Prayer for the Nineties
Grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100%
at work....
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
5% on Fridays
and help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
A few Questions and Answers
Q: What's the difference between a
girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet,
they'd fill up with
mud.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the
waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag
you, what have you
done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?
A. A mechanic
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and
a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the
stove and
refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade. Who has the
biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they
apor-lock.
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out
women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
An Angel
wrote:
Many people will
walk in and out or your life, but only true friends will
leave footprints in
your heart.
To handle yourself,
use your head, To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one
letter short of danger.
If he betrays you
once, it's his fault. If he betrays you twice, it's your
fault.
Great minds discuss
ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss
people.
God Gives every
bird it's food, but He does not throw it into it's nest.
He who loses money,
loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who
loses faith, loses
all.
Beautiful young
people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works
of art.
Learn from the
mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them
all yourself.
The tongue weighs
practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.
Friends, you and
me..you brought another friend...and then there were 3...we
started our
group...Our circle of friends...and like that circle...there is
no
beginning...there is no end.
Keep this going.
E-mail all your friends this message. E-mail all those
friends you never
met. Those you have... And those you've lost along the way.
Here is an Angel
sent to watch over you. In order for her to work, you must
pass this on to the
people you want watched over.
Excuses, Excuses,
Excuses : )
1. I can't reach my
license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer,
I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. Aren't you the
guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've
been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or
Barney?
6. I thought you
had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a
police officer.
7. You're not gonna
check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your
salary!
9. Gee, Officer!
That's terrific. The last officer only
gave me a warning,
too!
10. Do you know why
you pulled me over? Okay, just so one
of us does.
11. I was trying to
keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars
around. That's how far ahead of me
they are.
12. When the
Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer
your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
doughnuts?"
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS.
Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing -
Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so
you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely
large values of 2.
5. Computers make very
fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not
intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has
bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO
C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The
information went data way --------
11. Best file compression
around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM
Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......,
James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd
down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah
na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or
file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad
command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever
say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find
your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all
reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED
no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found.
Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something
used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The
biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible!
My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:
Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic
tickle?
30. A computer's attention
span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment -
Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24
beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not
as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another
pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . .
Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who's General Failure
& why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office
automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an
installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in
DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at
the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer -
A device designed to speed and automate
errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on
keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit
prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question,
get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to
sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming...
and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched
mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not
attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be
enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add
DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add
BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to
continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no,
No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press
<CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...