How I Came to Be Me...


and find Freedom Within Myself

My Story



Patricia Michelle Mon`et
I have posted on my bedroom wall a poster entitled I Am Me. It’s a declaration of self-esteem written by a well-known psychologist Virginia Satir. I start with this statement to make a couple of points. The first is that we all have "a story" and most in the transgender community have very much the same story. The second point is that we all need to somehow be who we are.

This is my story. It for the most part will seem to be sad; I have been through a lot, but not as much as others. If I were to make a disclaimer it would be this, "It is not the purpose of sharing this to gain pity, nor is it my intent to convert anyone to my way of thinking." I simply feel it is important for others to know that they are not alone and that hopefully anyone that reads this will come away feeling a bit more whole as a human being.



How I "Think" I Became a Cross Dresser
I don’t believe that I "just" became a cross dresser. I do think that events in my life expedited my own acceptance of who I am. I have survived sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, combat, and two marriages. I am still here.

I now know that our own worse enemy is ourselves. I am sure many of you can relate to this. I would buy little things, small make up packs, panties, a bra, just the barest of necessities to get that "girl fix" and then throw all of it away, feeling dirty, disgusted, and depressed. I would swear I would never do it again, that I was a "man" and I could beat this, only to repeat the same things over and over again. (sound familiar?) Oh, and of course it was a tremendous sexual turn-on for me in the beginning.

With my first marriage, I loved her so much and would often use her things in order to feel closer to her. There was just something special in using her things that made me feel so much in love with her. But, with that came tremendous guilt, she would not accept or understand at all. She being very observant, I had to make sure that I put everything back exactly as I found it, or she would begin to ask questions. In the end it didn’t matter, she found out. For those of you that have been to this point this should sound familiar as well. "Honey, I don’t know why I do this… I’ll get help…, etc." Well, I did all that and you know, I found out that I was quite normal. In fact, I found out that there were a lot of "me’s" around. My road to self -acceptance had begun. My first wife and I didn’t make it. I would not stop dressing. Even though I kept it from her, and she did buy me things. She was using my cross dressing to pay me off while she was having an affair with a "real man", since in her eyes I wasn’t deserving of a wife or a family. She left.

At this point I found the most understanding and giving people I have ever met, my sons. They were very young, just in school and I had to tell them, after all it was us against the world now. The Army had found out all about me, and had broadcast it all over my unit, and was just looking for a chance to throw me out. I was alone, for real this time, and extremely depressed, even suicidal. I thought I had a mate. I was very wrong. All my sons ever said was "Cool!". We have been together ever since.

It was through the innocence of two little boys that I found the strength and courage to finally look at my heart and accept who I am, a human being. Not a sicko, not a pervert, not evil, just a plain old person with a unique and special gift to be me.

The Most Important Lesson
We got out of the Army and returned to Kentucky. I wanted to make sure that no matter what happened my sons would be taken care of. Suicide was still my goal, after I made sure that they would be taken care of after I was gone. Then I met my second wife. She was and still is the dream of every man and cross dresser. She is very understanding, and to a point supportive of me. The problems were miscommunications on both of our parts, her fear of what the neighbors would think if they ever saw me, and my greed to be free. I was in Dress Heaven, so to speak for about a year after we met, but that all went to Dress Hell soon after we were married. I felt like she was controlling me, and she had so many issues and concerns about it. She thought that I was selfish and inconsiderate… she was right.

So, the most important lesson… Part of self-acceptance is being able to accept another’s level of acceptance. That was for me very difficult for me to see. What I am saying here is my second wife gave me all that was in her heart, but it was only about 30% of what I wanted. Still she gave all of that 30% from her heart and love for me, therefore she gave 100% of what she had. I was too caught up in myself to see that.

I am now a whole and integrated person. I am as much man as I am woman, and much closer to contentment with me as I have ever been in my entire life. I will not say that I am happy, content is a good word to use here. At least I can say that I grow each and every day and try to get something out of whatever I do or which ever mode I choose. There are still a lot of issues on the table and I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am getting there.

Finally, The Last Words


I hope that this wasn’t rhetorical and that those of you that took your time to read my story will take something positive away with it. I apologize if it was wordy or didn’t make much sense, but then a lot of my life has been just like that, non-sense.

I want to leave you with these last few thoughts. 1) You are not alone out here. 2) You are not sick, 3) BE YOURSELF! Thanks for reading this. May you find yourself and those that love you just because. Patricia Michelle Mone`t

I would like to thank:
My Sons for making life so much fun and for showing me the true meaning of unconditional love. Annie for all her help with creating this page. Leda May for her help too. Honda for doing my pics. All the sisters on IRC for their love and support.